|
Orfe_the_Obstinant
|
read my profile
sign my guestbook
Name: Megan
Country: United States
State: California
Metro: Modesto
Birthday: 9/6/1982
Gender: Female
Interests: Knowing God (trying to), Web pages, Photoshop and Illustrator, lifeguarding, Books (stacks, piles, libraries...they are all precious!) photography, music, sleeping, writing very very long e-mails full of verbage in outdated vernaculars.
Expertise: Espianage, mostly. Reading obscure books. Art theft. High speed car chases. Deadpan humor Home work. Sleep.
Occupation: Research and development
Industry: Hospitality
Message: message me
Website: visit my website
Member Since:
6/27/2003
|
|
SubscriptionsSites I Read
|
|
|
|
| The house is never finished.
I have very vivid and by usual standards, weird dreams. I remember them most nights and for as long as I can remember I have dreamed (whether it was fun, frightening or mundane) of being in a huge house or traveling to and then going into a different house. I'm rarely outdoors for long in a dream. For the last several years the buildings that I explore are sometimes my home, or I am 'visiting' but they all have one thing in common; they are under construction. I find places where they have never been finished and the outside is creeping in, I find huge rooms with half finished areas and no way to arrange the furniture or I am constantly trying to get the place in order (ie move furniture in) to live there or to just try to go to sleep.
Tonight in particular in my dream I went to visit a friend. I left one broken down house with vines creeping in under the roof into the rooms to drive high up in the Sierras to a house literally under construction. We (I was with a friend, and that's all I can tell) walked in past the plastic sheet over the door to find the place a normal house under construction littered with tools. I asked Liz where I was supposed to put my suitcase while eying a set of steps leading to a platform with a bed and dressing table on it (the rooms are sometimes just platforms open to the rest of the house, sometimes so narrow nothing fits, this is also a reoccurring theme) and my Dad was kneeling there stapling the carpet to the stairs. He looked at me and said "Not here". Liz told me to go up the steps anyway and that would be where I was staying. In the 'guest house' as she called it, which led me to feel as though she would be going to sleep in a finished house somewhere else. I walked gingerly up the steps, careful to avoid the ragged edges and set my luggage down next to the bed and then I woke up.
Dream dictionaries tell us that the house is a symbol for yourself, whether bodily, or more broadly, your life. I find it intensely interesting that the house is never finished. There is always a surprise when I open a door and find the floor dips under the sod of an open field and the ceiling has fallen in, or that there are mazes of strange little rooms that I explore full of things like antiques, clocks, huge furniture sets, that there is a corner of the room where the window has never been put in and I can't shut the world out properly or that every doorway is too narrow to admit my furniture. Sometimes when I explore the house is so large that I never see the same room twice and its exciting to see all the things 'I own'. In one in particular I was excited to find that I had a room filled with two matching fancy dining room sets that if I cleared them out would be perfect for my belly dancing troupe to practice. When I started moving these things out I discovered a literal underground mall under my house complete with concrete fountains etc. But I was never able to get my troupe in there, I just wandered around exploring instead.
I know that this is probably a big metaphor for my life not being as I want, but it feels like more to me. I suppose its probably much more simple than I think. I'm seeing my councilor again, just to get some things ironed out (you know, a little self improvement) and I think I'll tell her about them and see what she thinks.
| | |
| William got me an avocado tree for Valentine's Day! I originally said I wanted a Hass veriety, but the guy at the nursery told him they don't do well in this climate zone and suggested the heartier Bacon veriety. I haven't eaten actual bacon for over ten years...but I remember it being awesome. My new tree will be awesome by name association. I just brought it inside because it's supposed to be cold tonight. Tomorrow I'm going to buy a huge pot for it where it can live until we buy a home (hopefully in the next year and a half or so) where I can plant it. I want to name my tree for some strange quirky reason. Bjork, Tony Stark, Hoss....who knows why these names came to mind. Suggestions are welcome. It's going to be kind of call of the wild...the tree will start out mostly domestic, in the house, and then be called back to the wild of harsh nature! Maybe I should name it White Fang or something.
| | |
| Being anxious and anticipating big changes in my life causes me to have some really strange and disturbing dreams. Last night's was not specifically threatening and frightening. At first. I don't remember all of it very well, just snippets. Watching the neighbor across the street bully his kids because he can't find his cigarettes and a dragon (a horse sized red, golden eyed dragon) swoops down out of the sky and just takes his head off in one neat chomp. I blink, and then turn calmly around and get in my car. I go to a bakery and pick up a loaf of artisan bread, as I'm paying for it I tell people about the dragon and to look out for it. They all nod and thank me for the heads up. One man promises not to yell at his kids out doors, to ease my mind. In the second part I am in a narrow hallway hung with red curtains, and the hall way is filled with 90o angles so you;re always going around a corner. I have a sword, and I am calling out that I never believed that I would be made to do this, to make these kinds of decisions. The hallway being as it is I can't see more than 10 feet in from of me and the sword brushes metallicly against the walls, slicing throiugh the sheer red curtains with ease. Sometimes behind the curtains are black marble blocks with red letters set into the wall, but since you can't read in dreams I have no idea what they said. The meaning wasn't clear. I come around a corner and there is a man sitting on a bench carved into the wall. His eyes are completely black and he smiles very toothilly at me. I feel my heart go up into my throat. His hair is black and he is resting his elbows on his knees. He greets me, and speaks quietly but antagonisticly. He tells me if I pass him and leave him on the bench he will follow me and kill me, that my only choice is to stop there and become a vampire with him. I shake my head, and he laughs and says "Come on, come drink with me." And then I cut his head off, but it won't seperate from his body, so I begin frantically slicing into his head itself. The top slides off in neat sections like you see in MRIs, and while the bottom of his nose and mouth remain he keeps talking "What is it, day four? Come and drink with me, you'll get no better offer". Finally I manage to silence him, and shudder looking at the neatly vivisected brain, skull, and eyeballs spread around his feet. I couldn't keep walking anyway, I woke up, my heart beating hard, not fast. Because I couldn't go to sleep right away after that I decided to do a little dream dictionary surfing. I know dreams are a subconcious process and have meanings specific to the individual, but sometimes a refrence point helps. Here's what I found:
Dragons
To see a dragon in your dream, signifies that you let yourself get carried away by your passion. This kind of behavior may lead you into the hands of enemies. You need to exercise some self-control.
Bakery
To see a bakery in your dream, signifies richness and success. Your future will be an enjoyable, pleasant and filled with satisfaction.
Bread
To see bread in your dream, represents the basic needs of life. Bread may signify the positive qualities and great things you have learned on your journey of life. Alternatively, it suggests that you need to rise above the situation or rise for the occasion.
Hallways
To see a hallway in your dream, symbolizes self exploration and the beginning of a path that you are taking in life. You are going through a transitional phase in your life and journeying into the unknown. It signals spiritual enlightenment, emotional growth physical prowess, new opportunities and mental passages in your life.
Sword
To dream that you are wielding a sword, represents your ambition, competitive nature decisiveness and will power. You seek to hold a position of prestige, authority, and distinction. Alternatively, the sword can be seen as a phallic symbol and thus represent masculine power.
Curtain
To dream that you are shutting the curtains, signifies secrecy and a repression of thoughts. You are concealing a personal matter or an aspect of yourself. On the other hand, to dream that you are opening the curtains, indicates that you are ready to reveal something hidden.
Stranger
To see a stranger in your dream, symbolizes the part of yourself that is repressed and hidden.
Vampire
To see a vampire in your dream, symbolizes seduction and sensuality, as well as fear and death. The vampire represents contrasting images of civilized nobility and aggression/ferocity. It may depict someone in your waking life whose charm may ultimately prove harmful. Deep down inside you know that this person is bad for you, yet you are still drawn to it. Vampires also sometimes relate to decisions about sex and losing your virginity. Alternatively, to see a vampire suggests that you are feeling physically or emotionally drained. The vampire may also be symbolic for someone who is addicted to drugs or someone in an obsessive relationship.
Attack
To dream that you attack someone, represents some pent-up frustration and anger. You feel that you have been wronged. You feel that it is easier and safer for you to express your anger in your dream.
Brain
To dream of your brain, suggests that you are under severe intellectual stress. It may also symbolize your problem-solving abilities and that you need to put those abilities to use. Alternatively, it may imply that your ideas are not receiving enough attention and validation. You are concerned that your knowledge and teachings are not be transmitted clearly.
So, what does that mean? Still sorting it out. I went back to bed and slept soundly until my alarm this morning. Mostly I think it has to do with facing challenges and making the right decision in the face of fear. My life is full of uncertainty, stress and fear as I try to find a job, await a change in my living situation and suffer a sense of great distance between myself and my closest friends and family. Perhaps the stranger was asking me to give up and just leech off the system, who knows. I know I certainly wouldn't cut someone's head off in real life. What the dragon was I can't say either. Just GIGO I guess.
| | |
| So, unemployment stretches on and on and on. I don't mind, mostly because I'm getting some serious reading done, however my bank account is dwindling down into the nothing range. I've done everything that I possibly can to decrease my monthly bills while not spending a red cent, but that will only work for so long as well. I have some prospects, none of them glamorous, but who can be picky at a time like this? The problem is the internet and how every company in town wants you to apply online which makes it impossible for me to use my greatest job application asset; my winning personality and social style. I'm not kidding, I have never been turned down for a job when I have presented myself in person with a big smile and a good resume. I ask all the right questions to all the right people, shake their hand and then I call call call. This applying online thing has turned me into another faceless loser dependent on a bitchin' cover letter alone. I do write a good cover letter, however that's not enough. I decided to ditch the online thing and just go to places I'd like to work and see what's up. So far I have a nibble at the local nursery, and I applied to places like Barnes & Noble, the local art and framing shop, the print shops in town etc. We'll see how that goes. I've been pretty bummed out, so I'm trying to find ways to elevate my spirit while I have zero money and few prospects. Here is the list as recommended by Slate.com:
1. Do a good deed. Not sure what it's going to be yet, but right now I'm looking for an animal shelter to volunteer at.
2. Make small gestures of good citizenship. Taking my cart back to the corral, picking up trash other people left behind while I'm out walking. 3. Keep a resolution. See also 4 & 6 and I want to lose some weight.
4. Become an expert. I finally found a belly dancing troupe here in Modesto. I took a class at the community college, but its a new group every session and the teacher was sort of meandering. I went to a class in Sonora and one of the teachers directed me to Bobbin and her group The Triskelion Belly Dancers. I can't wait to shake 'em with the best. I like this is not only something to master, but a good exercise, and a great social situation. Belly dancing is freakin; hard and takes years to master, but its also a no judgement, female only group that exists to celebrate feminine beauty and movement. I dig it. 5. Boost your energy. Studies show that when you’re feeling energetic, you’re much more likely to feel good about yourself. My goal is to get enough sleep and take a 1+ mile walk every day. 6. Challenge yourself physically. See Belly Dancing. Dude, it's really hard to move your hips and not your upper body and vice versa. Its also really amazing how much you take of your waist by learning to tightly control your abs! Belly rolls (the dancing move), here I come! And finally, yes I know I still have my holiday theme up here. The Christmas Tree is also still up in the the livingroom, so there ya go.
| | |
| Its a foggy, gloomy day here in Modesto. I slept in an extra hour and then made calls about jobs, but no one's saying much. I cruise my daily job list sites, craigslist, centralvalleyjobs.com, careerbuilder, monster, alliancworknet...not much going on. I go check on my bank account, and then I check to see if my federal loan deferment paperwork has arrived along with my reduced payment paperwork for my private loans. I sit down and I make a list of things to try and fill my day up with something meaningful and productive.
Eat breakfast and take vitaminsClean room, put away laundryPut away suitcaseShower, dress, dry hair, put on makeup- Feed chickens
Turn in application to Scenic Nursery- Clean kitchen
Check for mid day job postingsReadWork on 2009 Label Tape ValentinesMake dinnerPut food away- Try and go for a walk
The job market here is pretty exclusive these days. Things that used to slide like bilingual and accumulated experience are being held to more stringently. A college degree doesn't seem to mean anything here. I am beginning to loath California (at least my little part) for its densely packed population, crumbling social infrastructure, above average unemployment rate and it's unnatural winter weather (unnatural to me). There isn't a house for 50 miles that I've looked at that I would want to buy. Everything in our most immediate price range (assuming we get good jobs and get on with life) is always a dump in a bad neighborhood. The houses we'd want with the acreage we'd like are always so close to their neighbors that you could spit on each other, even out in the country (if you can call it that here). I am trying to be patient, but I really hate Modesto. I like the friends that I've made, but I'm tired of living with my Mother In Law, and I am tired of being poor and unemployed. The things that hold me to this place are things that are out of my control, or are choices I make because I don't want to be separated from William...and I don't want to separate him from the things that he loves. He has pomegranate cuttings coming from UC Davis in March, he's working on his truck, and worm composting. He wants to have citrus and avocado trees....you can't grow those in NY. It is true that you can grow them in other arid states...so there's that. I guess I just feel like my life is moving so painfully slow...and that I'll be stuck here forever. I've gotten to the point where I don't care if I'm a Graphic Designer anymore, the fire has been wrung out of me. I don't care what I do as long as I'm making some money and can maybe get out of here. I guess this is what being an adult is kind of like...hard decisions in bad situations.
| | |
|
